hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.