Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
starting a garage orchestra
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE