Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
All excellent questions
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*