Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
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Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun