Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

I’m awake but I object,

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

pep talk

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.