Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

He took my last fry, your honor

Always leave them wanting their money back.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!