Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
You Might Also Like
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?