Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Goodnight 🐶

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

thanksgiving in nutshell

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.