Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Weirdly Wednesday.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert