Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”