Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Goodnight 🐶
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that