Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
remember
only for emergencies
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?