Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
This is hilarious
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part