Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers