Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Lmao

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”