“Huge”.
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Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
They’re called werewolves.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”