huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
