huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
