Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

this made my day 😂

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time