Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.