Huge, if true.
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
aesthetic
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
no
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.