Huge, if true.
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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.