Huge if true.
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen