Huge if true.
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are