Huge if true.
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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer