huge if true: the moon
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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.