huge if true: the moon
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.