huge if true: the moon
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Just a reminder, folks:
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.