Huge, if true.
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Previously On Persistence 😎
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky