Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*