Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.