Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE