Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
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I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*