Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.