Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Raisins are grape jerky.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

u spoke cat all this time??????

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.