Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.