Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.