Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

who’s gonna tell her?

what it’s like dating me:

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked