Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.