Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*