Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries