Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Snapes on a plane.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”