Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

good morning

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

It’s ok that I have not found my soulmate yet. Half of the married people here have not either

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]