huge valentines day plans this year!!
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Pringles
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much