huge valentines day plans this year!!
You Might Also Like
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?