Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
We will use anything but the metric system
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”