Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?