Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

😸

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned