Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra