[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.