[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Husband of the year 😂
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Terribly Tuesday.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight