[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Danger is very dangerous
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth