[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.