(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
It’s that simple 👊🏻
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts