hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
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if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Church Pugh’s
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Unmatched
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people