Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.