Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Who.
Did.
This?
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans