Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
You Might Also Like
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
NOT all policemen are strippers.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.