Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.