Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.