Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase