Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
R.I.P.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse