Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down