Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends