Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
This might be the funniest tweet ever
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point