Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
whatcha thinkin bout
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Duolingo getting serious.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.