Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.