Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but that was my emotional support daylight

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Something Saturday.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10