Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
