Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons