Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.