“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.