“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
time machine? you mean a clock?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village