Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*

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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k


The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.


I’m far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?


If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.


Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”


I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s


Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS


Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.


Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.


And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier: