[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
#Caturday
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Herpes is trending, good job people
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises