Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
All set.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.